We’ve never liked Terminal 5 since it first opened, which considering it should represent the state of the art in terminal design is pretty depressing. Our most recent transit through Heathrow’s newest terminal only cemented what we already felt.

Arriving as Business Class travelers we were equipped with “Fast Track” passes that were supposed to speed our way through the immigration and security lanes to our connecting flight. Unfortunately, as ever, the weakest link came into play. It doesn’t help that the arrangement of immigration and border control lanes is permanently temporary; lines of people are divided by those temporary ribbon-tape barriers attached to portable metal posts – and entrances are sign posted by portable signs. To jet lagged eyes it’s all a bit visually overwhelming.

Having found the correct lanes for fast-track, Non-EU passport, domestic connecting flight passengers (as opposed to the other permutations involving non fast track, or EU passports, or connecting internal flights, or just plain arriving here) we had our boarding passes examined for the first time. We then stood in line with only a few people ahead of us, and 3 immigration officers servicing 2 lines. The officer that the minimum wage minion directing traffic sent all of our line to appeared intent on minutely examining every detail of every traveler, meanwhile the other 2 officers – dealing with simpler EU citizen arrivals – processed 10 for every one of ours.

Th final straw came when the immigrant currently being grilled had to take out his laptop to provide proof of return travel – I pointed out to the ESL minion traffic cop that the other officers were getting through 20 times as many passengers as ours, and why not spread the load. “They’re Fast Track” he replies. I point to the Fast Track pass in y hand and point out that we’re bloody Fast Track too – so what?

Having finally got through immigration we have to show our boarding passes again, and have our photos taken for something to do with security. Then it’s more confusing tape barriers upstairs to security screening. Upon exiting security screening we see that, with 30 minutes before departure, our flight is boarding so we start to hustle downstairs.

Terminal 5 deserves a moment of recognition for the evil ingenuity of its design; as an arriving passenger you’re cattle managed through lanes and channels until the moment you exit security screening, at which point the ceiling opens and light streams in! All the space is devoted to the main departure hall, with its 7 floor high wall of glass – and completely intrusive retail spaces. You are forced to walk through retail spaces to find a departure board, to go up or down an escalator, to get to your gate. This is much less an airport terminal with shopping than a full on mall that happens to have tried to squeeze in some aircraft.

We follow signs for gate 9, wit the PA telling us that doors are about to close. Initially all gates 1-9 are directed together until you’re in the middle of a Pub, when suddenly only gates 1-7 have directions assigned to them – apparently we’d missed the sign (generously assuming there was one) back in the Sushi stand that told us 8/9 were splitting off to the right.

Now of course if you’ve been frustrated by minimum wage minions, tedious processes and poor signs AND have had to run to your gate the chances are you’ll be a bit flustered. A flustered, tired face is apparently not a good candidate for digital face recognition, so when we show our boarding passes and pose for the camera we’re not recognized, which of course slows things further. That hurdle surmounted we have to show our boarding passes for the purpose of actually boarding the plane!

So now we’re seated and gt to wait for 20 minutes until the ‘plane pushes back. For some reason they wanted us to hurry up so they could close the doors fully 20 minutes early for a 50 minute flight to Aberdeen. Good thing we’d rushed.